This is part four in a five-part series dedicated to exploring what I have come to understand as the five foundations of disciple-making. I hope this is helpful to all of those who, like me, are laboring to help the Church become better at participating in the Great Commission. Here are the first, second, and third parts.

I have the terrifying privilege of being the father of three girls. Working to understand them and their worlds has been the adventure of a lifetime. That’s because on top of being a guy, I grew up in a male dominated household, in another country to boot. It was three men (me, my brother, and my dad) and one brave woman (my mom). So, these days I feel at times like I’m finally getting it, just to realize I’m not. Then I feel like I’m doing something terribly wrong, only to discover it’s not a big deal. The whole process is exhausting and a little (very) scary. However, I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. In fact, I can say with no hesitation that nothing has taught me more about surrendering to Jesus than being a father and a husband.

One of the things I’m most grateful for when it comes to my daughters is that my wife and I aren’t alone in all of it. Through our local church and friends, not only are there many other people involved and invested in our kids’ lives, but there are also many people involved and invested in ours. People who often understand what we’re going through and who are just one step ahead of us. Actually, one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned over the past few years is that I need to intentionally have trusted friends who will walk with me through all the stuff of life. All of it.

The biggest “ah-ha!” for me in this recent season is that disciple-making at its best works exactly like that: Friends walking along together with permission and intent to move one another towards Jesus in every aspect of life, not just parts of it. And, this process is hardly ever just a one-on-one affair. Afterall, different people are further along in different areas of life. Naturally, it makes sense that it would take a team of disciples, in different seasons and areas of life, to raise up a disciple. The apostle Paul understood this in the context of apostolic/pastoral ministry when he said  “What, after all, is Apollos? And what is Paul? Only servants, through whom you came to believe—as the Lord has assigned to each his task. I planted the seed, Apollos watered it, but God has been making it grow. So neither the one who plants nor the one who waters is anything, but only God, who makes things grow (1 Cor 3:5-7). While he was speaking from a different role, I believe it’s safe to extrapolate. Paul tells the church in Corinth in other words “it’ll take more than just one of us to see that you mature in Christ. Now stop arguing!”

It’s sometimes difficult for us to grasp this idea practically in part because of our tendency to commodify, or make objects out of our disciple-making relationships. In this sense, disciple-making looks like an activity, or a program, where I meet up with people and serve as an instructor in the ways of Jesus. Often, we use books or video resources to aid us in this process. However, too often we leave those (weekly?) meetings and go on with our lives, spending time with our real friends. The problem with this approach is that effective, life-changing disciple-making happens in the context of friendships. And, true friendships require mutual admiration. This is true when it comes to those you are just beginning to have faith-conversations with, and it’s true for others who have been on the journey for a long time. It’s true for three reasons: 1- We don’t tend to take advice or help from people we don’t admire and respect; 2- We naturally tend to gravitate more towards others whom we admire in some shape or form; 3- Without admiration, we fall into the trap of treating others like a project.

In his book “The Four Loves,” C.S. Lewis says this about friendships: “Friendship, then, like the other natural loves, is unable to save itself. In reality, because it is spiritual and therefore faces a subtler enemy, it must, even more whole-heartedly than they, invoke the divine protection if it hopes to remain sweet. For consider how narrow its true path is. It must not become what the people call a ‘mutual admiration society’; yet if it is not full of mutual admiration, of appreciative love, it is not Friendship at all.”

It’s notable that Lewis chooses to alert the reader against confusing mutual admiration in friendships with a “mutual admiration society.” The term was coined by Henry David Thoreau in his journal (1851) describing what, at the time, had become a popular trend amongst scholars, poets, and intellectuals. Mutual admiration societies would be formed amongst groups of friends who would agree to praise each other’s work, exchanging lavish compliments with one another. At times these were genuine exchanges. However, these societies became an often superficial means for mutual advancement in society. C.S. Lewis recognizes that this sort of unspoken agreement isn’t the goal, but that friendships without (genuine) mutual admiration aren’t friendships at all! 

I can’t overemphasize this. Effective disciple-making relationships require mutual admiration. This means it goes both ways, regardless of how new someone is to faith, or even if they haven’t yet made a decision to follow Jesus. Remove mutual admiration from the equation, and the process feels like a task, a to-do, becoming mechanical and ineffective.

It doesn’t take much for us to notice this even in the strikingly asymmetric relationship between Jesus and his disciples. I mean, it would be a stretch to say that there was mutual discipleship going on. Jesus is, afterall, God made flesh. However, a quick read through the gospels reveals mutual admiration. I’m particularly drawn to Jesus’ renaming or giving nicknames to disciples. He calls James and John Boanerges, meaning “sons of thunder,” and shifts from Simon to Peter (Rock). In both instances Jesus calls out admirable traits of his disciples that perhaps they didn’t see in themselves. 

In reality, we find more relatable examples in the relationships between Paul and Barnabas, Barnabas and John Mark, then later Paul and John Mark, and finally Paul and Timothy. In every case, we find descriptions of deep friendship and mutual admiration. I like the example of John Mark in particular because Barnabas saw in him what Paul didn’t, insisting on giving him a second chance after his desertion. This caused the split between Paul and Barnabas. However, towards the end of his ministry, Paul asks for John Mark to be sent to him saying “Only Luke is with me. Pick up Mark and bring him with you, for he is useful to me for service” (2 Timothy 4:11).

Okay, so now that we know how important mutual admiration is to disciple-making relationships, what do we do about it? I’d like to offer up a few suggestions for those of you who are being nudged towards obedience by the Holy Spirit in the area of disciple-making. 

1- Find some friends you admire for different reasons, Christians or not, to begin sharing experience with (see part 2 of this series). Offer up counsel and advice while pointing them towards Jesus. Resist making it into a new project. Be intentional, but not mechanical.

2- Pursue friendships with others who do not follow Jesus. Look beyond their faith to find things you can admire about them. Are they particularly savvy in some area of life? Are they a good parent? Do they demonstrate compassion for others in a special way? How might God’s prevenient grace be at work in their life?

3- Consider what gifts you have that might spark admiration? In what areas might you invite someone to follow you towards Jesus? Pray that God would give you grace and favor with those you come into contact with.

4- What are areas of your life where you feel convicted about? Are there areas for which you need good counsel to become more like Jesus? Who are some people you know who might be a few steps ahead of you? Pursue relationships with them.

In the next and last part of this series, we’ll talk a bit about power in relationships. I look forward to sharing it with you.

This is part three in a five-part series dedicated to exploring what I have come to understand as the five foundations of disciple-making. I hope this is helpful to all of those who, like me, are laboring to help the Church become better at participating in the Great Commission. Here are the first and second parts.

About a year and a half ago I decided I wasn’t happy with who I had become physically. I wanted to do something about it, and I was ready to invest time, money, and effort into it. So, I joined a group of friends working out with a trainer a couple of times a week, became a member at a local gym, began to study a bit about what works for men over 40 (can anyone testify?!), and started tracking my meals and activity. 

A year later, I felt stronger, more aware of my diet, and I had lost some weight. However, I felt stuck (I’m still working on it). I was tracking my food, I thought I was doing a good job with my “macros,” and continued to be consistent at the gym, but I wasn’t making progress. Then I found myself on a trip, sitting at a restaurant table next to a former male fitness model who now runs a very successful personal training business. Naturally, I began, well… whining about my situation (in hindsight it was pretty pitiful). I told him about how great I was doing with my workouts, my diet, how I was tracking everything and that, in short, life just wasn’t fair (it’s ridiculous. I know)! Then he said “tracking? Did you say you have been tracking your diet?” to which I answered “yes! I have it all on my phone!” As the words came out of my mouth I knew right then and there that he had me! “Let me see it,” he said, to my despair. There was no way out. I was about to give him real access to the record of what I had been eating. 

I could keep going with the story. It started a bit tragic, then it became entertaining. Ultimately though, it gave me hope. That’s because while I had made positive changes on my own, and had given permission to my trainer and to some friends to give me feedback on my journey, it was the first time I had given someone access to a true record of my actions and choices. It wasn’t pretty. But it was what I needed.

Moving Beyond “Accountability”

Notice that I chose not to use the word accountability. This is a conscious choice. Accountability strikes me as a bit legalistic. It’s an overused term, and it is applied to too many contexts. When someone is made to pay for their mistakes, we might call that accountability. When Institutions create success metrics that must be reported, we call that accountability. We even try to soften the term a bit by adding modifiers such as “relational accountability” or “spiritual accountability.” We do this because we realize that, on its own, accountability is simply a “wonky,” misunderstood term. 

Now, it is true Scripture warns us that we will one day give an account of our lives to God. However, notice how the Greek word in almost all texts translated as “account” is logos (see Rom 14:12; Matt 12:37), which many know is most commonly translated as “word” or “the word.” This makes sense because it gives undertones of confession, which is of course done with words. Interestingly, in another passage with a similar warning, 2 Corinthians 5:10, when Paul says “for we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ” (NIV), the greek word for appear is phaneroó, which could also be translated as “to reveal,” “to make known,” or even “to show openly.” The reality is that one day we will indeed give an account to God. All of us. And, we will be giving an account to an all-knowing God. There is nothing under the sun that can be hidden from almighty God, even if we often act like it isn’t the case. In other words, God, by virtue of his nature, has complete access to our most hidden realities. Everything about us is laid open before the throne of God. 

Access in Disciple-Making Relationships

Here’s the catch, what is true about the all-knowing nature of God, is not true about us in our disciple-making relationships. When it comes to these life-giving relationships, access is not assumed, it is given. Therefore, we are only able to mature in our discipleship to the extent that we are willing to give access to others to things about us that are otherwise hidden. If I am convinced, for instance, that my handling of finances should better reflect my faith, asking someone to help me in that area will only be effective if I also give them access to a true record of my finances. Otherwise it’s simply too easy to fall into self-deception, or even just outright deception in order to project a fake reality… sort of like my whining about being stuck in my health journey, hoping for affirmation instead of confronting reality!

Biblical Foundations for Giving Access

I like how the author of Hebrews puts it in chapter 10. After quoting Jeremiah 31:33-34, he calls believers to perseverance in verses 19-23. Then he says in verse 24 “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds” (NIV). Different versions use different words in place of “spur on,” but I think in this case the harsher the expression, the more faithful to the author’s intent. The greek word in that text is paroxusmos, which only shows up one other time in the New Testament, in Acts 15:39, to describe the “sharp disagreement” between Paul and Barnabas, causing them to part ways. Paroxusmos refers to a provocation, an angry dispute, or sharp contention. It was used in the Greco-Roman world in the context of debate, and in the medical field to describe a sudden attack or convulsion. 

This is the intensity the Hebrews author is trying to convey as necessary in discipling relationships as persons challenge each other, with grace, toward love and good deeds, or as John Wesley would put it, personal and social holiness. Speaking of John Wesley, note that while being part of a Class Meeting was a prerequisite for just about anything else in the early Methodist movement, Bands were an optional, more challenging commitment. In Bands, members were expected to give one another, you guessed it, access to a much higher degree. 

Privacy and Modern Challenges

Finally, we can agree that the idea of access feels perhaps a bit uncomfortable, even invasive. I believe this is because privacy, at least in the ways we understand it today, is not a very old concept. Much of the access needed for “spurring each other on” was assumed in the context of tight-knit communities, an analog/hard copy world, and mostly in-person interactions. In times past, “personal space” and privacy were less common, reserved generally to those in the wealthier portions of society. In short, there was typically not much one could hide from others for long. This is simply not the case with the growth of the idea of “personal lives,” and the development of technology to facilitate privacy. Today, we are able to live multiple, almost entirely separate lives. We have our personal life, our church lives, our online interactions, and so on. The bottom line is that in order to be in authentic disciple-making relationships, we must intentionally give and be given access to others with permission to speak into our lives, spurring us on toward holiness. What might feel awkward or invasive at first, turns out to be freedom, as that which was once in darkness now comes to light.

Who are the people who have access to otherwise private, hidden parts of your life? And are others giving you access in a way that allows you to speak into their lives? Could this be the missing key to move you and those around you to the next level?

In order to create more clarity around disciple-making, it benefits us to spend more time coming to agreements about what we mean when we say certain words. This matters because we often agree on which words are important. We just do not mean the same things when we say them. For instance, my shortest possible definition for disciple-making is this: “disciple-making is relationship.” However, this is an unhelpful definition until I expand what I mean by relationship in the context of disciple-making.

In the first part of this series, we explored the foundational nature of relationships when it comes to disciple-making. Now we’ll spend time exploring four other foundational elements of disciple-making, which are simply the building blocks of what relationships mean in this context.

A Relational Moment in the Gospel of John

I’d like to start by taking us to a somewhat obscure passage in the third chapter of the gospel of John. In verse 22 we read “After this, Jesus and his disciples went out into the Judean countryside, where he spent some time with them, and baptized” (NIV). Eugene Peterson says Jesus “relaxed with them there,” and that “He was also baptizing.” This scene strikes me as one of the most “laid-back” moments in the gospels. They set out to the countryside. They hang out… Oh, and they also baptize! It is one of my favorite relational images between Jesus and his disciples. For now, just keep that image in the back of your mind as we move along.

Vivência vs. Convivência: Lived vs. Shared Experience

As a Brazilian, I love how translating words often gives me new insights into the concepts I’m exploring. While reflecting on the foundational elements of disciple-making, I encountered two similar words in Portuguese: Vivência and Convivência. Both share the root vive, from the verb viver (to live). Vivência translates best as “lived experience.” It refers to the ways we encounter God throughout our lives or in private moments through our stories, past, testimony, and personal time with God. Conversely, Convivência translates best as “shared experience.” It is how we experience God in community with others on the discipling journey, whether in living rooms, around tables, at campsites, walking, or working out together.

Both Vivência and Convivência add depth to the idea that experience is foundational to disciple-making. You see, when it comes to the relationships that lead us toward becoming more like Jesus, our shared experience is just as important as our personal, lived experience. 

Disciple-making relationships involve both the transfer of lived experience, AND shared experience. I don’t mean this in a once-a-week bible-study kind of way, but rather in convivência. If I’m helping a friend out who is struggling in his marriage, giving advice (transfer of lived experience) is good, but incomplete without inviting him (and even his spouse) into the messiness of my marriage (shared experience) where we can find hope and mutual encouragement. I don’t mean to sound cliche, but it’s true that becoming more like Jesus is better caught than taught. Inviting those on a discipling journey with us into our everyday lives is more effective, and keeps us more honest, than simply going through curriculum together and asking what everyone around the circle thinks about what they just learned. 

Shifting from Formal Mentoring to Life-Sharing

Over the past five or six years I have had the privilege of being asked to mentor other leaders. I love every opportunity to do so. Initially, I would schedule to meet one-on-one in a coffee shop, where we would spend a couple of hours discussing all that is going on in their lives. It was OK, but it felt incomplete. So I decided to make a shift and invite them into different parts of my day-to-day life. I’ve had them over in my backyard office (“the shedquarters”) and made them coffee. I’ve invited them over for lunch with me and my wife. We have worked out together. Consequently, our conversations have become much richer! We talk about the small things, our personal quirks, stories, dreams and concerns, all in the context of everyday activities. Additionally, they get an unabridged version of who I am, the good and the bad, and vice-versa. Over time, these shared experiences begin to shape our common understanding of our faith and our walk with Jesus, our challenges and shortcomings, and our vision for life. The bottom line is that disciple-making relationships necessarily involve unofficial moments of friendship and sharing life experiences together.

The Role of Mission in Shared Experience

There is yet another dimension to the idea of shared experience. It’s the “and baptized” portion of the text we started with in John 3. Jesus formed his disciples by transferring lived experience and by sharing experiences with the disciples. But, those shared experiences weren’t limited to mundane everyday things they did together (though these were also very much part of the process). Their shared experiences involved being on-mission wherever they were, whenever opportunities presented themselves. They were hanging out AND they were baptizing. They were on their way somewhere AND Jesus was healing. You get the pattern. 

Unfortunately, we have created a tendency in many of our churches to compartmentalize the different aspects of disciple-making that were meant to happen organically and all at once. We have interest-based small groups for hanging out and making friends, bible (or book) studies that focus on different aspects of the Christian life, and service opportunities where we can do good in the community, or as my American friends would say, “give back.” And, none of these activities are bad. They’re just not meant to be compartmentalized in the context of disciple-making. We need to become life-sharing (vivência AND convivência) friends with those who are helping guide us (and who we are helping guide) towards Jesus, getting to know them for who they really are, learning to follow and to serve Jesus alongside them, imperfect people moving on together to perfection.

This is part two in a five-part series dedicated to exploring what I have come to understand as the five foundations of disciple-making. I hope this is helpful to all of those who, like me, are laboring to help the Church become better at participating in the Great Commission. Join us in this conversation by downloading WME’s WE419 app, where you can engage with resources, post your thoughts, etc.