In 1314, wounded English knights fled south through Scotland towards the safety of the English border after their cataclysmic defeat at the Battle of Bannockburn. Overcome by weakness and pain, some fell from their horses. Many were left to die, but more compassionate locals took others to the abbeys dotted throughout the Scottish borders. These abbeys had infirmaries and monks who knew how to treat the wounded. Fearing retribution from the Scottish monks, a number of these knights refused to remove their armour to allow their wounds to be treated. Their refusal to be vulnerable eventually would cost them their lives. They discovered something we too need to know, what’s kept hidden can’t be healed.
The story of those wounded warriors brings to my mind a line from Romans 12 Paul’s great chapter on being church. “Love must be sincere.“
What Does “Love Must Be Sincere” Mean
The Greek word behind “sincere” is “anypokritos” which means literally, without hypocrisy, without a mask. It’s a word drawn from the world of Greek drama. A hypokrites was an actor who used masks to show the audience what emotions they were experiencing as the character. Paul by using anypokritos is telling us church isn’t a stage. Other people shouldn’t have to guess at what we are feeling because we’re wearing emotional masks. By telling us love must be sincere Paul is saying that church is a community of authenticity where masks come off and we stop acting. To experience being a healthy church we must be willing to stop offering an edited version of ourselves to others.
I was privileged to know Marva Dawn as a friend. Of all the things she wrote I think I appreciate most her study on Romans 12 “The Hilarity Of Community.” She gave her chapter on this verse the title “Agape Without Hypocrisy.” I can’t think of a better description of what Paul is telling us about the kind of love that is the oxygen of genuine Christian community. Unlike those English warriors in Scottish Abbeys, Paul says in our churches there has to be a willingness to take off our armour. Agape without hypocrisy means that to love and be loved we need to stop hiding behind masks. Sincere love means there can be no Christian community without authenticity. Authenticity requires vulnerability.
John Wesley’s Band Power of Unfiltered Small Groups
I think John Wesley understood this about building genuine community. Not only were there conferences, societies, and class meetings to share within, he also encouraged people to get connected in bands. These bands weren’t Bible studies but small groups of three or four who met to ask and answer questions nobody normally dared ask anyone else. Stuff like …
- What known sins have you committed since our last meeting?
- What temptations have you met with?
- Is there anything you desire to keep secret?
Wesley wrote of his purpose for these groups “The design of our meeting is, to obey that command of God, ‘Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed.’” His intention was that these bands were to create small but strong communities of authenticity. A group of people with whom, as you grew to trust them, you could take off your armour and masks and be vulnerable. A group of fellow disciples you could have honest conversations with and so your deep wounds caused by sin could find healing. Kevin Watson describes these bands as “A place of deep vulnerability and intimacy. It was a place where Christians were completely honest with each other about the ways in which they knew they had fallen short of who God was calling and enabling them to be in Christ.” I like that. I think when Paul says that our love must be sincere, he’s assuming that would require being connected with others in a community of “deep vulnerability and intimacy.”
How to Build Deep Friendships Without Wearing Masks
So, let me ask you some questions:
- Where are you experiencing a community of deep vulnerability and intimacy?
- Who are you currently willing to take your armour off in front of?
- With whom do you never feel the need to wear a mask?
- With what group of people do you experience “agape without hypocrisy?”
Barna published some interesting research recently entitled, “Inside the Friendship Gap for Pastors.” This research measured pastoral wellbeing across five areas: relationships, well-being, finances, vocation, and faith. Based on the results they came to this conclusion, “While pastors score high in faith, vocation and finances, their lowest marks appear where human connection matters most: relationships.”
That research seems to be telling us that church leaders find “sincere love” a particular challenge. That many leaders in our churches are all too like those English Knights in Scottish Abbeys, unwilling to be vulnerable. I can tell you as a pastor that Wesley’s bands aren’t comfortable, taking your armour off, removing your masks in front of other people never is. Deep friendships are indeed risky, but we need our fellow travellers for the journey ahead.
I personally have discovered that authenticity requires not just vulnerability but intentionality and courage. I’ve had to recognise that proximity doesn’t necessarily lead to intimacy. I can know a lot of people and there can be a lot of people who know of me while not really being known by anyone. I am now trying to give more intentionally to developing those relationships where I have to give and receive agape without hypocrisy, love without masks, the unedited version of myself.
May all in ministry find the love and abiding community on the other side of such vulnerability.
